Monday

1am asleep, 4 am awake. I am not looking forward to today. My sleep was hardly synonymous with restful and I feel yucky and ill. Dizzy and clammy. I have this horrible cold and it has made my voice go a bit weird, yesterday my accent went very Londonish- I think because k is from their so I am picking up his accent. 

I am not looking forward to today, I am going to try and wait in the library to see Al today, it will be one of the few times I will get to actually see her so. 

I can’t be dealing with the bus journey this morning, so I am just going to hide in the back with my music in and completely distract myself from everything and to make sure I’m not hurt.

Catch up with you later xx

So that plan didn’t work and as a result I got turned into her hitting bag as when ever I went in front of her or anything like that she would hit me. 

I can’t deal with it. It’s getting to me too much. 

I missed Alice too. I keep on seeing people from home and they constantly say do you want a lift back? But I can’t. 

Anyway. With ALL of this happening I don’t know how the teacher got my number but somehow she did. I think it is time for a new SIM card. 

I feel awful because I haven’t gone to Welsh Baccalaureate but I I can’t go because she will sit next to me. There is literally no escape from her. I can’t do it. I want to be able to but I can’t. I want to have the ability to stand up for myself further and enjoy being a teenager. I want to have a happy life rather than this one I am living. 

So I have majorly cocked up my maths test – all this afternoon I have just been unable to focus. But also being able to? I was just skipping questions. It was so weird and I left the lesson with other people because I had finished only to find out it was double sided. Maybe because the other one wasn’t I thought it would be the same. I guess you could say two things are never the same. 

My headteacher came up to me today, I don’t know it just made me feel better. I think it is because that’s the first time in along time who has come up to me and actually acknowledge me, not in a derogatory  way. 

This evening I have had a long hot shower lots of tea and biscuits. I should probably do revision for computer science and the 📚 homework. Then I will watch some pretty little liars and read from my book 🙂 

I have a message off A online and she wants me to tell somebody about what’s been going on. I don’t want to, its embarrassing.

Thursday

Once again last night I was up at every hour and I didn’t want to get up this morning. It is so warm and cosy the morning coldness doesn’t really appeal to me.

This morning for breakfast I have had a multivitamin tablet and a green tea. I am so tired it is unbelievable.

I have choir at lunch and assembly this morning, I have two hours of computer science today and that is it. I actually kind of dislike the frees- I would much rather go to a lesson.

So in school I am being pushed out of the group and ignored. She looked at me and when I went up to her and said hello she turned away and talked to her boyfriend. 

Whenever I try and speak she told me to shut up and when I was laughing at something she said that was funny she told me to shut up. 

With the girls saying that to me, he said to me’we aren’t following you, don’t be so fucking stupid.’ I thought he was joking, but when I looked  at his face, it was deadly serious. 

She is perfect to everybody else. She just offered everyone else and went around everybody else and looked at me then didn’t offer. 

Anyway that is this morning, catch up with you later. Xxx

Wednesday

HeySo today I woke up numerous amounts of time when I was asleep but the good thing was I could feel I had lost a bit of weight so that made my morning better. Because i was Late my whole body went into this overdrive thing where I was shaking and I had a shot of adrenaline. 

So I rushed out this morning with no breakfast but I haven’t even had tea! :0 but I have maths intervention this morning in reg.

When walking through town I saw John!! And also what made me smile is when M had asked me what outfit I was wearing this morning and so that means people are getting used to my new style? 

I don’t know if I prefer this one to my other one.

I saw Mrs Buckingham this morning whilst crossing the zebra crossing, and I managed to hopefully let her see the happy side of me, so she doesn’t realise who the girl is. The new girl was telling me to shut up all of the timeand making me hold all of her rubbish and pick things up for her,  calling me a dickhead .. agh I don’t need this. 

What can I do though when I have told her how I feel but she continues. Her arrogance astounds me.   with some of the group before about 7 people, more  turned up, and ignored me, laughed at me and pushed me out of the conversation by shouting over the top of me and the glare she gave me. I am finding it difficult if I am honest to keep myself happy. 

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Well. Tonight I will do the rest of python and I will finish the summary sheet of biology.
Anyways- hope everyone has a good day. Xx

Monday

So Monday morning is here and I feel awful for eating last night. I won’t eat anything for the rest of this week and so I will get to my goal weight!! 

So anyway I am sat in the school public bus and I seems as if nobody wants to sit by me this morning. 

I don’t even know what I am wearing today, something I threw on because I don’t feel great today, mentally speaking. 

The thoughts are coming back quickly if not stronger than ever. I don’t want to eat and I can’t believe I have. 

****

Later on during the day 11:00am

*****

I had a panic attract on the bus and on my way to school, but only lasting briefly into first lesson. I couldn’t breathe and it was ever since I bumped into this man on my way to the bus. I have just felt so surreal and teary. It felt as if I wasn’t in my body I saw a glimpse and I saw my sister lizzie. I thought I was in a dream. 

I have had two chemistry lessons and whenever I volunteered myself to answer the questions I got the wording wrong and I just gave up on trying. I got told off for using the front entrance when all of my other friends got told off too, I think I am just in the way and everyone finds me annoying. 

The person before who I was talking about said morning to me, so maybe I am not as annoying to the person as I thought I was. 

I feel as if I am in the way and there is no doubt about it, if the way things go with the texts and stuff goes badly, I won’t be able to cope. I have been the victim of so much this year and I can’t do it anymore. I only have so much strength and even at the moment I am going insane thing to keep myself sane. 

I am sorry about the previous part being so morbid and sad, I have just read over it, I think I was having a bit of a moment. 

The afternoon improved as in my maths lesson I got a question right nobody else could figure out!! Then at lunch I spoke to my counsellor, online, and then on the bus home I have made two new friends. You know when you just know they will play a big part in your life? Well that’s what it feels like.

Hope everybody has had a good day so far!! Xxx 

Saturday

Morning all!! This morning after a longer night sleep I woke up so much better than I have done the rest of this week. The mornings breakfast and lunch includes tea!!! With soya milk of course!! 

Today I plan to crack on with my As level work and to watch some more Netflix. I may go for a walk, who knows depending on the weather.

Something on my mind is bugging me at the moment. It is really sad and upsetting for me to see some one who I was in regular contact and who was practically my rock through this year can’t speak to me anymore. I fully understand why and I respect it! It is just I feel with all of the other people in the school they are avoiding me and don’t want to speak to me. I just want to be able to speak to someone without anything from this year dragging up. You know like the normal conversation of how are you, the weather, work, homework, just normal stuff. Not to be this sign posted elephant figure which walks around the school and everyone thinks the same thing. 

Anyway, rant over!!! I am sure things will get better 🙂 

Have a great day everyone xxx 

Friday

Okay, so here it goes. 

At 5:00am I was up and I didn’t have any breakfast. Walked to the bus stop and then spoke to man who only has about a month left to live and he was so happy about life and just living. I am inspired by him. He has an incurable cancer and his mobility has become so limited.  Then in form I realised I had computer science third lesson and so I wasn’t prepared. I had double maths and those went really quickly and then I had break which was followed by computer science. Only had half an hour of biology as the other half we had school photos. I looked horrible in mine. I told the deputy something about yesterday and she seemed happy. 

I am to go home early and I plan not to have anything to eat today as I have had a cup of tea this morning, and from that I am not hungry at all. Bloated and full is truly an understatement. My friend came up to me and I am sparingly using the word of friend and asked me how I was to just gossip about me. I didn’t say truly how I felt. 

After lunch I had found out a new girl in my year has the exact same birthday as me, how cool is that! 

During the counselling session I had, my counsellor didn’t notice that I had lost about half a stone! Yes!!!!! The trick of wearing clothes and wearing those jeans worked!! I just have this feeling that he doesn’t like me, like he finds me annoying and just, yeah. But then again why am I surprised?! Ha! I don’t even like myself so why should others?! 

This evening I have had a nap because I was just so tired and I still am, but I feel better for having it. 

I am getting really anxious of the meeting they will have next week because I hate people taking about me, it really does. I have also done my homework and copied up and I have read on to the next topic. 

Anyway I hope everybody has had a great day and keep smiling 🙂 xxx 

Thursday

This morning started off fantastically. Music on, no breakfast and I wasn’t late!! Arrived into school and had a double lesson. I am not sure if I am doing well in computer science or if I am miserably failing.

However, a good meeting with the head and deputy today. 

So much work to do!!! Argh!!! I have to look up what Pseudo is for computer science and then complete my maths homework nooo!!!! 

I am so tired and there is no time to eat!!!! 

I have had the most boring evening I have to say guys, Netflix and homework. Time to get some sleep I think! Hope everyone had a great day and keep smiling! 🙂 xx

Ah well :))

Wednesday

Oh my goodness, today has been awful. After feeling I have been rejected by nearly every single human being on the planet I came home to a growling stomach which I did not feed. I am not hungry at all! I need to keep losing weight though!! Ah well. 

My chest hurts so badly,  and my back, and I have had a migraine. When will it stop!?!? 

My friends were great, well all apart from one who was more interested in her love life.  Thank you very much. 

I was so awful today, I missed a bit of chemistry! I had already done the work though and I knew everything in the lesson so all is good but it is just I have never done that 😦 I will apologise tomorrow for sure. 

This whole sixth form dress code thing is so exhausting!! I have to chose an outfit which goes with all of the requirements every night!!!! 

My diet today has been tea and nothing else. Maybe that’s why my hair is falling out quickly, or is it the stress??? I don’t know. 

I wonder if people will notice what is on my hand tomorrow!! 

Night guys 

Xx 

Sunday

For breakfast this morning I have had some muesli and a cup of tea, all with soya milk of course 😉 put it on Instagram and got a weird comment from my sister… 

I have the ambition today to go for a walk and actually do something today, ha! Also I will completely the As level work and watch a bit more Netflix, because why not? 🙂 

Hope everyone has a great morning!! Keep smiling 🙂 

Saturday

This morning I had a really strong black coffee and I am practically bouncing off the walls! For lunch I have had an apple, tea, slice of bread and butter, a bourbon and a garibaldi, and lots of thinking time. 

I got an email off my mum and dad this morning which has Brent he dirt I have heard from the since three weeks ago. 

Today I am wearing this blue blouse I bought the other week, with a grey cardigan, black jeans and Pandora jewellery. I have curled my hair again today because I think my hair looks better when it is curly. 

I can tell that I am stressed about going back to school because I have gone REALLLYYY spotty and disgusting. EWW!! 

Anyway I am sure you really don’t want to know about my face. 

My plan for today is to go for a walk- maybe a run later and to crack on with AS work!  The slog continues. 

It is weird how I am think about Chris all of the time- every man I see I see him and in school all the girls have their Hormonal overdrive when a new decent looking by comes in. It is ridiculous. Slightly funny though. 

I feel a bit unwell too today- I don’t think I will eat any more. 🙂

Hope everyone has a good day!!